Hi Dewla,
I don’t know whether you remember this or not but while we started talking, I told you about my letter writing obsession, that I write to people who are significant in my life and I consider it my utmost priority to make them aware that how important they are in my life.
I have been pondering over writing one to you too. Technically, it would be the first official letter to you from my end. I will just scribble things which I feel and making a constant endeavor to not put any filter between what I feel and what I type ( It’s a tough task to do but I will try it honestly ). I don’t usually scrutinize my once written letter before sending so pardon my typographical as well as grammatical errors.
It is usually said that, you get things which you are consistently looking for, once you stop looking for it. This is one common thought which had been prevailing in my mind since I had met you. I had long back stopped looking for any emotional connections, or any affectionate individual or any support structure which would have the emotion like ‘love’ in it . I felt slightly connected while we met first on our fresher’s end and few moments before your birthday. I felt moderately good in your company but never realized that this bond would blossom to this end.
I got you at the time when I was least expecting it. And, believe me when I say, you have been nothing sort of a miracle in my very morose life which I usually live. After meeting you, I used to wake up in the anticipation of, meeting you further in the day, listening to your ramblings, spending some time together in the evening, seeing your baby antics which can put any straight lip to a curved one.
How did we come this far ? I am going to sound a bit of narcissist but how did I let you have this much of autonomy over my vulnerable emotions. I feel so happy at times that it scares the death out of me when I think of circumstance when I will have the urges of cocooning myself in. As many of my issues are unresolved viz, the fear of abandonment, the fear of losing people from my life, the fear of not maintaining the same normalcy. I do realize these impediments of mine, and trust me when I say that I am working on it. It’s really tough to do this. Every time I try to fight my anxiety, the easiest option seems like getting detached from you but I do know that, it is not the option. Being with you and working on everything which concerns either of us is all what matters to me, at this point of time.
You have been like a sunshine to my almost unfertile, unemotional pasture which didn’t know how to react to the new beautiful saplings which come up by its own. Earlier, aversive to those saplings, I have begun to adore and cherish them into my life because I have the sunshine. “Sunshine would make everything right”. That’s precisely what I say to myself every time my rational mind would try to block an affectionate thought because of my past experience, I would just let out a soft mumble “it’s alright to have those thoughts, don’t be scared, sunshine would make everything right”.
At times, I question my every move of being with you, but then I do realize the fact I love doing things with you which I wouldn’t do usually. Be it reading to you, handling kittens along with you, pouncing on food and well aware of the fact that your eyes are on me while I am totally into food, cracking silly jokes on anything and everything, staying late till night in the campus and enjoying every single second of it, that long yet very short walk from New Campus Gate to traffic signal, stolen and unexpected kisses, lying aimlessly in the amphi-theatre, listening to you about your dark parts of your life which you would not reveal to anyone, singing uselessly loud in the Dining Hall, being very vulnerable in front of you, and seeing the cheerful happy side of yours after some not-so-cheesy conversations.
I think, I have fallen for you. But, unlike Bruce Wayne, this time I don’t just want to pick ‘myself’ up but pick and hold on to everything which we have created together.
I have given a lot of thought and I want to pursue this with love, with all my vulnerabilities, very seriously, and with complete honesty !
I had way lot of things on my mind while I started writing but I am failing to articulate things well enough in the process hence I will stop now.
Yours truly,
Nitya
